White Sauce and Spiritual Struggles

The Real Me by Nataline grant:

Foolish heart, looks like were here again. Same old game. Plastic smile; don't let anybody in. hiding my heart in. will this glass heart break? How much will they take before I'm empty? Do not let it show. Does anybody know

that you see the real me hiding in my skin broken from within. Unveil me completely. I'm loosening my grasp; there's no need to mask my frailty because you see the real me.

Faded heart, life is behind a mask. Self inflicted circus clown. I'm tired of this song and dance. Living a charade, always on parade. What a mess I've made of my existence, but you love me even now and still I see somehow

that you see the real me hiding in my skin broken from within. Unveil me completely. I'm loosening my grasp there's no need to mask my frailty because you see the real me.

Wonderful beautiful is what you see when you look at me. your turning the tatted back of my life into a perfect tapestry. I want to believe

that you see the real me; hiding in my skin broken from within. Unveil me completely. I'm loosening my grasp there's no need to mask my frailty because you see the real me.

And you love me just as I am. wonderful beautiful is what you see when you look at me.

This is my favorite song. Often I have to be reminded that God sees the inside and loves me still.

Yesterday I had a day off. Off from work and from school. It was relaxing and going to be fun. My sister and I made lunch together and I was assigned to make the white sauce for the meal. I had never made white sauce before and I was excited to figure it out. It seemed easy: whole wheat flour, vegan butter, and soy milk. I started by adding the milk. Then I dumped in a lot of flour and a spoonful of butter. It looked good to me, but my sister looked at me and looked at the sauce and then said, “you know that you shouldn't have added so much flour.”

I didn't hear her words. I heard an inner voice say, “you don't measure up, you are not good enough, you can't even make white sauce right. You are a failure.”



I believed it. I set the sauce off the stove and ran outside. I felt the sun and the tears on my face. Quotes I read the night before in Councils on Diets and Foods were running through my head, “every girl should know how to make bread in a way that is healthy and nutritious for their family” I can't make bread. I can't cook. I fail at so many things. I remembered that I had prayed for patients. I failed at that too. I was without excuses and I was totally exposed. I was guilty of my inadequacy.

So I prayed.

He said I see your effort and I see that you want to glorify me, but above all your efforts I see what I did for you. I love you still. I love you if you fail at making white sauce and baking bread and being patient and even if you fail at loving me back. I will always love you and there is nothing you can do that will stop that.
My soul was utterly captured at the thought of this very different response than I had expected. God wooed my heart and I couldn't help but lose my thoughts in his infinite love and mercy. God is unattainably beautiful.